Heaven Help Us
By Corrie Lynne Player
01-23-10
            I’ve spent the past few months in the company of my grandkids, grandnieces and grandnephews, most of whom range in age from newborn to early teen. I also vividly remember parenting my own young children.
            As a grandma, I have a unique perspective that parents in the trenches don’t. We grandmas have been in the trenches and are now standing on the sidelines, watching a similar game play out. (I’m mixing my metaphors on purpose, because I think that raising children is both a battle and a game.)
            I’ve noticed, over the years, that many parents have abdicated their position as captain, coach or quarterback. They allow their children to drive the boat or direct the game, to make decisions that belong to parents. I think this abdication comes from love and a desire to allow children to “express” themselves. But such love is misdirected.
            Effective parents demonstrate their love by establishing clear boundaries and teaching their children that parents are the safe, in-charge adults who know what’s right and wrong and are willing to enforce the rules.
            Children must experience frustration and learn how to work through that frustration. From the beginning, parents should help their children understand that anger, even rage, won’t bring what they want. Unfortunately, I’ve seen young parents teach their toddler or preschooler that if he screams long enough or loud enough, he will prevail. He’ll get chocolate milk at bed time, candy just before dinner or another computer game. Giving in after you’ve said “no” means the tantrum will last even longer next time.
            Keep in mind that the strongest, brightest children need the strongest, bravest parents to reach their greatest potential. Don’t be fooled by screams and yells, the manipulative behavior of an immature, inexperienced child. You’re doing your son or daughter a disservice when you allow him or her to usurp your authority.
            A child-centered home is a chaotic home. Nobody seems to be in charge—toys are strewn, blinds are broken and a little emperor pits Mom and Dad against one another. A home where parents nurture their children and are secure in their own worldview will be, in the end, happier than one where the child decides when to go to bed, whether or not to pick up his toys, when and what the family will eat, etc.
            And one final thought from a grandma who has seen it all: if you and your spouse don’t agree on something (whether that’s setting up a play date, deciding on what kind of pizza to order or who vacuums the living room), don’t argue about the matter in front of your kids. Obviously, you should demonstrate how adults discuss and negotiate and how loving spouses work things out. But contradicting your spouse at home or in public can lead to hurt feelings and diminishes relationships. When emotions heat up, call a time out and confer behind closed doors—take a walk or drive, if necessary.