Last time, I shared a posting from a mom of a “good kid” who had suddenly, at age 13, seemed to lose his mind. He told a complicated lie over several weeks, which the mom found out about, almost accidentally.

In this column, I’d like to share the advice our group gave her to address her son’s telling her he was practicing after school when he was hanging with friends.

“I always told my kid that lying was worse than the crime itself. And I backed up that belief with consequences that fit the crime. I think that if your son can’t be trusted to be away from home after school, he doesn’t get to be away from home after school, period. Lying is a betrayal of trust. It doesn’t really matter whether he was doing something bad (like smoking or knocking over mailboxes) or something good (like going to church or helping a teacher), or something innocuous like talking to friends. The point is, he lied to you. If he finds it easy to lie in goofy situations, he’ll find it easier and easier to lie in important situations.”

“In my household lying equals double the consequence for whatever the crime was. So, my kids learned very quickly that there was no way to avoid consequences and they’d be better off to ‘own up’ and get it over with.”

My advice to the frustrated mom was for her to “take a deep breath … wait until you’re calm, he’s calm, and then find out what was really going on that made him feel he needed to lie about where he was. Then determine a consequence for the action and for the lie.

A mom of a 15-year-old by suggested, “Don’t let your anger drive your actions, because rage colors your view of everything. I find that I end up needing to backtrack because I reacted so strongly to the lie. My kid thinks my backtracking is inconsistency or even a win on his part for being angry instead of remorseful.”

Another mom agreed with all of us about how lies push our buttons. “Yup, lying always makes me see red in 3D! You caught him in a blatant lie and so he knows he’s busted, that’s why he’s so angry. Teens react from the emotional centers; if his brain’s CEO were functioning, he’d realize that anger will only get him in deeper. But it’s not, so you have to model how to deal with anger and frustration.”

I summed up the conversation with: He already knows that he’s in big trouble, so tell him he’s completely grounded until you’re calmer and ready to discuss all the issues. Discuss consequences, in private, with him, then you and his dad present a united front. Teen boys need modeling from good men in their lives, too.

Bottom line: Don’t let this slide but don’t blow your stack either. Remember:

(1) Stay calm, (2) don’t take behavior personally, (3) be consistent, (4) set clear boundaries, and (5) award appropriate consequences.

Punishments should fit the crime—he lied to hang out at school with a friend, so he should be restricted to coming home directly after school. Also, check out whether it would be appropriate to take away his lunch time and have him eat in the principal’s office. And, finally, consider his having no hanging out with any friend for, say, two weeks.
Any longer than two weeks, however, would be overkill in my opinion, unless he’s been in trouble before.

You have to walk a fine line between ignoring and over-reacting. Hard, I know!