Family separations are hard on everyone
By Corrie Lynne Player
12-05-07

Last time, I continued discussing ways to keep a deployed or traveling spouse close in spirit while he (or she) is physically gone. I initially set up five things to keep in mind and covered the first two; I also stated the caveat that I’m coming mostly from the female perspective, but acknowledged that many men have wives who are the absent ones.
My next point follows from your positive attitude. Set up projects for yourself; projects make coming home to an empty apartment bearable. Projects pass the time and give you a feeling of accomplishment. This sense of accomplishment is important when a spouse is gone frequently. Otherwise, you may find your life slipping away in a series of wasted weeks.
Pick boring projects and delightful projects—both are necessary. Boring projects are those put-off things like cupboard cleaning, floor washing, and dusting cobwebs off the ceiling. Delightful projects vary with the person being delighted. These may be sewing, furniture upholstering, judo lessons, or building an extra bathroom. What I consider delightful may bore you to tears, and what you consider delightful might put me in a coma—if I could even figure out how to start.
Write your goals for the week or day. Just don’t be so smug about writing down a project that you forget to do it.
Marva confesses that she spends too much time with complicated lists. She says she accomplishes more if she jots, “clean oven, trim dog’s toenails, and finish Chapter 6”on a sheet of paper and tapes it to the refrigerator.
Diana writes her list in lipstick on the family room’s sliding glass doors. Then she sets the oven timer and tries to have one point on the list ready to wipe off when the timer rings. If she beats the timer, Diana rewards herself with a half hour of old movies on cable TV.
Alice, who teaches junior-high science, saves her home projects for those dead hours after her baby is asleep. When she cleans the storage shed at 10 a.m., vacuums behind the dryer, or works on genealogy, she doesn’t notice the emptiness on the other side of the bed until she’s so tired she’s asleep before she pulls up the sheets.
My fourth point is that, while you don’t want to pine for your absent love, you need to keep him part of your life. This is especially important if you have young children. Children fret and wonder if you’re going to disappear, too. Have the kids write or dictate letters and draw pictures—even if he’s only at the hospital down the street and will be home by midnight. Help them bake his favorite apple strudel to set up as a surprise on his dresser.
Make statements like, “Daddy would be very proud of how you helped with the dishes tonight,” or, “ Dad likes that shirt on you—he thinks it matches your eyes.”
Avoid using Dad as the heavy. Don’t say, “Your father will have a fit,” or “You better shape up before Daddy gets here,” over and over again. But there’s nothing wrong with pointing out that Dad won’t much like hearing about the tricycle tracks in the neighbor’s roses or the broken screen door. As long as you emphasize that you aren’t crazy about those things either, but you want to get Dad’s input before deciding on the consequence, the kids will realize their parents are a team.
Save the papers that come home from school for Dad to clap over. If he’s going to be gone for awhile, encourage him to write a note on a math paper or draw a smiley face on that perfect spelling test. Then the kids know he saw their work. Also, encourage your children to email or write their father at least once a week. Older kids will be more likely to email, and younger children can draw pictures to supplement their limited writing skills.
Let the children know that you miss Dad, too. Say, “Boy, I wish Daddy could see this movie with us. Things are more fun with him.” Keep his picture where tiny tots can see and handle it.