Keep parents close, even if far away
By Corrie Lynne Player
11-21-07

“I won’t be home tonight, honey; Harry broke his leg skiing, so I have to take his shift.”
“We’re going on maneuvers for a week. Call the Robertsons and tell them to cancel our float trip.”
One reality in being the spouse of a soldier, salesperson, or doctor is you often feel like a widow or widower without the dating privileges. Millions of people spend years wanting their spouse home to help them decide whether Sam did a good enough job on his room to invite a friend over, who gets to stay up with the puppy tonight, or why the baby won’t stop crying. Out-of-town meetings, temporary duty assignments, and sudden emergencies conspire to keep family members far apart. And today, hundreds of thousands of families face military deployments in Iraq and Afghanistan that entail many months of separation. If your job also entails travel or overnight stays, both of you may end up consulting a travel agent to make appointments to see each other.
Most people who marry geologists, truck drivers, sailors or marines knew the hours and absences when they said, “I do.” But nothing prepares you for the weeping kindergartner who wants Daddy to watch her play a pumpkin in the harvest program. But Daddy drew an extra shift because three colleagues are down with the flu. Or Daddy will also miss her birthday and Christmas because he’s guarding an air base on the border between Iraq and Pakistan.
If you’re tired of being left to put out the cat alone, but don’t want to trade your husband in on an accountant or plumber, remember five points: (1) advertise your solitary state to friends, (2) get in the right frame of mind, (3) set up projects at home and at work, (4) keep the absent one part of your life, and (5) remember that your spouse is probably lonelier than you are.
First, forget the safety rule about not advertising that you’re alone. Of course, you don’t announce the fact to a man at the convenience store or the door-to-door salesman. But do tell your friends. If you tell a friend you are counting cobwebs all weekend, she may invite you to lunch or dinner or a concert. But, she’ll never know you’re lonesome if you don’t tell her. Some people miss parties, gatherings after work, or bitterly watch the phone not ring because they never told anybody they wanted company.
My next point is to get in the right frame of mind. When a husband calls and says to entertain the Newells without him, he has to deliver triplets, you can’t accuse him of neglect. He’s doing his job. No matter how angry or disappointed you are you can’t insist he not deliver those triplets, map that prospect, or make that sale.
Neither can you set up a rousing cheer when your mate announces he’ll be tied up for the next week with a special conference out of state. You’ll hurt his feelings, and you certainly don’t want him assuaging those feelings with someone friendlier who happens to be sitting next to him at the conference.
You must look sad, shed a tear, and then smile bravely. If the absence is overnight, help him pack his underwear and toothbrush; scatter suggestive notes throughout his briefcase. A man may blush, but he’ll love finding an x-rated cartoon wrapped around the toothpaste (especially if you drew it).
Use your imagination. Always include something risqué to keep his fires smoldering—and yours. You need to feel close to him, to focus those thoughts and emotions that belong only to him, that are the difference between being roommates and lovers.
Remind yourself that you can clean closets, write a book, or sleep a half hour later in the morning. You don’t have to compete over the bathroom, covers, or car. If you want to stay awake until 2 a.m. eating crackers and reading trashy novels, nobody is going to say, “You’ll be too tired to get up; you’ll be late for work” or “Are you ever going to turn out that light?”
I’ll continue these points next time.