A good marriage takes a lot of work
By Corrie Lynne Player
1-2-08

For the last couple of columns, I’ve discussed ways to keep a deployed or traveling spouse close in spirit while he (or she) is physically gone. I want to finish up the discussion by emphasizing ways to keep your children and you close to your loved one, especially during this time of year.
Sit down at the end of the day and describe it in a letter or journal. Record how Danny tripped over the puppy and kissed her better. Share your concerns about Natalie’s ear infections or the grouchy neighbor who pounds on the walls. Write your dreams of making a flawless Power Point presentation or beating your sister-in-law at tennis.
Thinking about your mate and focusing on his presence builds your sense of family. Writing thoughts improves communication; maybe you can say important things you’re too tongue-tied to blurt out in person. Email or snail mail your descriptions/musings or keep them in a certain place he knows to look when he gets back. Even if you can talk on the phone every night, try to put things in writing, because your journals, letters, and emails back and forth will become family treasures.
Finally, remember your spouse is as lonely as you are, probably more so. He doesn’t have the solace of familiar surroundings. You have the noisy furnace that sounds like someone walking up the stairs. You get into the same bed at night with pillows that smell like his after-shave lotion. His razor is on the sink, and his favorite striped towel drapes the bathroom doorknob.
On the other hand, he spends the night in a bland hotel room, on a couch in the doctor’s lounge, or in a tent that’s hit by sandstorms several times a week (day, hour). The only homey things he has are the pictures in his wallet.
A wise woman sends as much of herself and the family to or with her mate as she can. One wife in her 70s has tucked a note in her husband’s lunch or briefcase everyday for 50 years. He’s a consultant, still, and is often working out of town for a few days at a time. Another, much younger wife, does the same thing for her truck driver husband, but has a hard time thinking of anything to say, so she plagiarizes messages from greeting cards and keeps her notes in her night stand. When she’s too rattled to think of anything clever or endearing, she picks out one of her already written notes.
Marlene mails postcards to the hospital where her husband is a resident. Her cards keep him smiling as he makes his rounds; she also sends flowers, balloon bouquets, or candy when her budget permits. She’s a favorite of the nurses on his shift (which change every few months) because she often drops off one of her gourmet meals with plenty to share.
Frankly, I’ve found that the best way to keep a traveling spouse happy is to go with him. Accompanying him isn’t possible when he’s been deployed to Iraq, well-sits on the North Slope or you don’t have any vacation time coming. But when he attends weekend conferences, special classes, or lectures, you can go for dinner and talk afterwards. Most expense accounts allow a spouse to share a hotel room and a restaurant entrée.
Sometimes, your work can combine with his. Jennifer set up orientation courses for her cosmetic dealership at the same time her husband attended a builder’s convention. Jenn participated in a reading workshop while her husband’s bar association held its annual meeting.
Marriage isn’t easy and a good marriage takes constant, committed effort. But if you remember, as most happily married women do, that you married the man because you wanted to be with him, you realize that a bit of time together beats no time and separate households. Raging against the fates and wishing he could drill a water well in the backyard instead of Argentina accomplishes nothing.
Keep in mind that your friends should know your solitary state, your frame of mind must be positive, and your life should move forward with projects. Most important of all, understand your husband’s loneliness, and keep him part of the family when he’s gone.